Periodically, like so many of you, I will receive one of those lovely little items we so fondly call "Chain Letters". I recently received one of these little beauties (in the form of an email) from a kind and loving friend. Here is my response...
You are in your car driving home. Thoughts wander to that chain letter sent to you from some friend who secretly thinks you are a tool but can't tell you to your face so their only option it so torment you with that chain letter promising you wondrous things if you forward it to everyone you know as well as everyone you don't know.You have now become the victim of endless emails vowing to hunt you down for passing on such drivel. Because of you, your neighbor, who refused to pass on that chain email, has been sucked into the sewer pipe and eaten by alligators. Because of you, little Sally down the street was swarmed by Arabs who thought they could get a good price. Because of you, Aunt Ethel has been devastated because Uncle Wilbur has left and joined that cult where he gets to run around naked, waving his wing-wang at passing cars in hopes of collecting enough spare change to buy a bag of Smarties. Because of you, the clouds parted but only to allow lightening to strike that nice bag lady, who in turn let go of her shopping cart which ran into your car right after you got it back from the repo-guy because your husband used the car payment money for that stripper he is putting through college so that she can support him in the style of which he wishes to be accustomed. Because of you your daughter is now working several street corners whenever she is healed enough from the beating her pimp gave her for not sharing her "tips" from those "special" guests she spent the weekend entertaining at the local Elks club, even though she knew the local Moose lodge paid better. Because of you your son only has to go to 4 pawn shops to sell your jewelry in hopes of scrounging up enough cash for his next 'fix' since his 'need' has grown from when your sister started him on the 'good stuff' but then cut him back to the 's*&t' since he couldn't pay her enough to cover those bets she made and now her bookie is looking to collect. Because of you, your mother will be fighting the cat for the left over cat food bits that even the dog won't touch, while your father just received the maximum penalty for that little racketeering bit that put him in the pokey since he was too stupid to use an alias instead of his real name and address. Because of you, an entire town has had to disband since they can't afford to keep any of their businesses open, and all the illegal activities just aren't paying what they used too. Because of you, I can't even get welfare since all those townsfolk who lost their jobs due to the failing economy all went on welfare and now there is nothing left for me and my 15 starving children who ain't got no daddy since he was killed in that freak accident where the toilet seat fell out of the sky from that space shuttle that blew up throwing our entire nation into deep suicidal mourning.
But hey, what do you care...you sender of chain letters. You sent yours out. And I just bet you got a call...but you didn't answer it did you? Because if you had, you would have known that I have just signed you up to receive every piece of porn in the world. You would have known that every charity is coming to your door to collect on those donations that I said you would make. You would have known that you are now housing several ex-convicts in your home as I signed you up to be a halfway house. You would have known that I made arrangements for the local dump to use your swimming pool for the extra trash that keeps creeping out of the local landfill. You would have known that I posted your phone number and address on every website in the world. You would have known that I also sent that information to every weirdo schizoid dorky dude looking for that 'someone special' to hook up with for those 'long walks on the beach' and 'romantic dinners'.
So...if you ever send me another freakin' chain letter (email, snail mail, what ever), I will personally put a curse on you that will last until the end of time...and believe me, part of that curse will be that you survive until the end of time...
Please be sure to forward this on to everyone you can possibly think of...I would hate for anyone to miss out.
Thank you!
Have a good day.
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