It’s All in the Name…

Names….a person’s name helps identify who he is, not only to others but to himself.  One of the first things people as you is “What’s your name?” It also happens to be one of the first things people will ask you when you are expecting a child.  “What names have you picked out?” rank right up there with “Is it a boy or a girl?”  This also happens to come up when someone is adopting a child, especially if it is a newborn or baby.  “What are you going to name him/her?” 

Being a foster parent, it never occurred to me that I would have to think of names.  At least not until it looked like the children were going to be a permanent fixture in our life.  When Davian came to us he had a name.  Strangely enough, people asked me “are you going to change it?” even though they knew we were foster parents.  “I can’t just change his name, he is not mine.” I would explain.  “Oh yeah” was the comment I would get.  Even stranger, when Alivia was born and we knew she was coming to us, people would ask “What are you naming her?”  I would explain that, no, I wasn’t naming her, her birth mother was.  They just couldn’t quite grasp that she didn’t belong to us officially.

Once it was known that the kids were going to stay with us and we set about getting things in order for the adoption, I was asked once again “Are you changing their names?”  This made a little more sense.  However, it brought up new issues.  By this time Davian had been with us a little over 3 years and Alivia over two.  Both kids knew themselves by their names.  We called them Davian/Davey and Alivia.  Friends called them that, the day care called them that, other family members called them that, and more importantly, the kids called themselves by those names.  So how do you go about explaining to a 3 and 2 year old that you are changing their names?  In our case it just wasn’t going to be an option.  Plus, I felt it was necessary for them to maintain something from their birth parents.  At one point I had talked to the birth mother and she explained to me how she had come about those particular names.  I felt it was important to honor that.  Then of course there was the simple fact that the names FIT the children.  So a compromise was made – we would keep Davian and Alivia, but add our own middle names.  In Davian’s case we chose to make Davian his middle name.  In time we will explain what that means, and if he wants to change his name later on then he can do it then, as can his sister.

Things moved along, the kids were finally adopted, corrections to paperwork were done and we finally reached a point of moving on with life. 

Yesterday I went to pick up the kids at day care.  As I was grabbing Alivia’s bag and jacket (the kids were all outside playing), one of the teacher stopped me.  “Can I ask you a question?” she said.  Knowing this could be a loaded question, I hesitantly said yes.

“How do you say your last name?”

Ok – for those of you who know us, you KNOW this is a very legitimate question.  It has been said numerous ways, all understandable.  Although it took me by surprise, it was not an unusual question.  I explained how it was said, and mentioned that we had never really used last names around the kids because we had suspected we would be adopting them and wanted to try to avoid confusion.

“Ah…ok.” She said.  “We weren’t sure, and when we asked Davey he would say it one way and then the other way.”

This surprised me again.  “I didn’t know he knew his last name.”

“Oh yes…we will ask him ‘what is your name?’ and he will say ‘It’s Davian B******’!”

Turns out, when they were asking him his name he would say it one way, and then when they would say it that way he would say no, it was the other way. 

On the way home I decided to see what he would say.  Sure enough, he spouted out the same to me.  I explained how it was said, and that Daddy said it that way.  (I find that if DADDY does something then Davey is more likely to want to do it as well).  I think he finally got it, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find him saying it both ways for a while.  Names are hard enough without changing them on you, especially when you are a small person.   

We still haven’t addressed the ‘Davian is your middle name’ situation yet.  I have occasionally called him by both first and middle name in hopes that he will begin to understand that he has more than one name.  Alivia will have an easier time of it I am sure.

All I can say is at least it wasn’t my maiden name….I can just imagine what he would be saying and the notes I would be getting!